I’ve been on the internet since Compaq Presario was the hottest shit on the planet and AOL was where you went to online party. Rest in peace chat room Albany-Troy1. On days when I wanna return to a place of minimal responsibility, I log into my old name of rjhotboy34 and scroll through my inactive buddy list. Those who I do see online I assume have gotten trapped in a time warp and are clawing their way toward 2000. It makes me feel better about myself. Hey, at least I’m honest.
But things have changed. The internet had evolved. There is a new set of 99 problems, but today I have five focuses for which I harbor extreme resentment. Here they are:
Posts telling women what to do (usually starting with Ladies,)
9 out of 10 times when a post starts with Ladies and it’s written by a man, it’s not going anywhere good. The odds are more favorable at 6 out of 10 when written by a woman. These stats are estimates. Google them and argue with me if you feel inclined. I’ll show you my slow blink.
Posts spread over 30 pages that are no more than 300 words aka Pageview Thirst (PVT)
I hate when I click on a listicle (list article, not list testicle) only to realize it’s spread over a bunch of pages that force you to endure slow page loads and information deferred. The worst part? When the text of the article amounts to one sentence per page. The super worst part? When those sentences amount to shit. It’s like looking forward to McDonald’s fries only to bite into the coldest and soggiest of starch.
I see this more on twitter than anywhere else. I’m convinced that some people are determined to be angry under the guise of being progressive. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Example: this past Sunday, after realizing sleep was no longer an option, I logged on at around 830am. The first thing I saw was a barrage of outrage tweets about what I found to be an innocuous issue. I’m not even sure these people had breakfast yet. Maybe toast crumbs on the keyboard or grits on their mouse. Who knows?
Of course people are entitled to feel how they feel, but yo, it’s Sunday. Go back to bed, or get dressed and go to church. Start your day on woosah. Why would you have it any other way. Why are you so mad?
Political discussions on posts that have nothing to do with politics.
You could be looking at pictures of kittens playing with babies and feel all aw. Rest assured, someone will find a way to relate those kittens to liberal policies and Obamacare.
Follow me back!
You know, if I were to imagine what hell would be like in a social media underworld, it’d be an eternity of “follow me back” requests with no option but to accept. Only to spend your fiery days reading updates from people for which you give nary a f*ck.
That’s it for me…for now. What things are you over on the internet?